Sport | Sports News and Results |
CRICKET Australia bowed to the inevitable by announcing safety concerns meant this month’s scheduled two-Test tour of Bangladesh would not go ahead.
EVEN Jarryd Hayne can’t convince 49ers faithful to get behind the team, with fans furious at the club. And they’re taking action.
SHOCKING queues like this will be gone forever, as Nepal bans regular people like you from climbing Mt Everest. Australia’s youngest summiteer says that’s a great idea.
FIRST PICS: Erebus Motorsport have landed a new major sponsor for Will and Alex Davison’s Mercedes for next weekend’s Bathurst 1000.
MANLY’S incredible decade-long finals run came to and end this season but Daly Cherry-Evans could still help deliver the Sea Eagles a 2015 premiership.
WAYNE Bennett revealed how he “held back” the coaching career of the man he opposes in Sunday’s NRL grand final — North Queensland’s Paul Green.
ALLAN Zreik, the man who created the NRL Grand Final ring, has blasted the governing body over “bullsh*t claims” involving his 20 years service to the code.
JUDGING by the body language on show at Thursday’s official press conference, Brisbane have this grand final in the bag.
WAYNE Bennett’s methods are all over Cowboys coach Paul Green — from the calm, winning mentality to the refusal to play the media game.
JOSH Gibson says team defence will be the key to Hawthorn stopping West Coast forward Josh Kennedy in the Grand Final.
JUDE Bolton says Daniel Chick’s revelations about West Coast’s prescription and illicit drug abuse raises questions about the result of the 2006 Grand Final.
CHRIS Judd will join the motorcade of retiring greats on Grand Final Day before Josh Kennedy kickstarts his engine and gets to work with the Eagles.
HAWTHORN have axed Billy Hartung for Saturday’s Grand Final.
NOTHING says AFL Grand Final Day like a barbecue with mates and a flutter on the big game at the MCG.
CRICKET Australia bowed to the inevitable by announcing safety concerns meant this month’s scheduled two-Test tour of Bangladesh would not go ahead.
MEET Billy Stanlake, the 2.04m tall, 20-year-old speed demon the Queensland Bulls are going to unleash on the Matador BBQs One-Day Cup this year.
HE has the best first-class average of any spin bowler in Australia right now, but Steve O’Keefe may be 30 by the time he gets his second Test cap.
BANGLADESH may not get its much coveted Test series against Australia, but it will get a chance to shine on the world stage at the Champions Trophy.
SHOCKING queues like this will be gone forever, as Nepal bans regular people like you from climbing Mt Everest. Australia’s youngest summiteer says that’s a great idea.
SAM Newman has defended AFL great Billy Brownless and says there is still one place boys should be allowed to be boys.
THE man they call “Golden Balls” has made another embarrassing brain fart when asked the simplest of questions at a promotional gig.
REALLY, really, ridiculously good looking, this teen is transitioning from child actor and model to one of the most brutal arenas in sport.
THE independent Senator who has called for detailed inquiries into Australia’s World Cup bid has criticised the “cosy club” appearance of the election of new directors to run Football Federation Australia.
FOOTBALL Federation Australia has expressed its concern to FIFA about the prospect of having to play a World Cup qualifier in Bangladesh next month.
BRUCE Djite hopes the pay dispute which headlined the off-season will be settled by the time the new A-League season kicks off next week.
TALK about sledging — this Rugby World Cup star copped a massive spray from a fellow pro for being “naive” and “embarrassing”.
WALLABIES coach Michael Cheika has turned back to his own crack “A-Team” unit to get the job done against England on Sunday and knock the hosts out of the Rugby World Cup.
RAVAGED by injury, Wales coach Warren Gatland would have been forgiven for wrapping his players in cotton wool ahead of Friday’s game against Fiji.
PHILIPPE Saint-Andre wants a dominant French performance in their Rugby World Cup match against Canada on Friday (5am AEST).
TENNIS bad boy Nick Kyrgios is said to be working out “very well” as ambassador for Malaysia Airlines — despite his growing notoriety on court.
TENNIS player Bernard Tomic has been cleared of all charges over his arrest at a wild Miami penthouse party in July, his lawyer says.
AUSSIE Nick Kyrgios will meet big-serving Croatian Ivo Karlovic in the quarter-finals of the Malaysian Open.
NOVAK Djokovic already has a fair highlight reel of wonder shots but this one filmed during a training session has to be one of his best.
FIRST PICS: Erebus Motorsport have landed a new major sponsor for Will and Alex Davison’s Mercedes for next weekend’s Bathurst 1000.
JENSON Button will race on into a 17th season of Formula 1, McLaren confirming the popular Englishman will race for them in 2016.
BERNIE Ecclestone is adamant that Red Bull is genuine with its threat to quit Formula 1 at the end of 2016 if it can’t obtain a competitive engine.
V8 SUPERCARS have been forced to change their 2016 calendar after a clash was created by a change in the Formula 1 calendar.
AT 38-years-old, Vince Carter can still jump out of the gym, even rivalling current leaping youngster Andrew Wiggins.
NIK Stauskas is a knockdown three-point shooter in the NBA, but in a new video he shows that he can score with just about anything.
LIAM Hendriks’ Major League Baseball season just keeps getting better with the Aussie pitcher claiming a slice of history with the Toronto Blue Jays.
ANALYSIS: PETITS Filous and Fontiton will try to redress an embarrassing run of outs for three-year-olds when they run the fancied duo in the Moir Stakes.
ANALYSIS: BUFFERING will try to win a record third Moir Stakes on Friday night at the back end of a “rare” career that has outlasted four prime ministers.
STAR veteran Buffering is back for another campaign — and can make it back-to-back Moir Stakes when he takes on the youngsters at Moonee Valley.
ANTHONY Kim was dubbed the next Tiger Woods. He won $12 million by age 26 - then suddenly disappeared from golf amid bizarre rumours. Now he’s spoken out.
ARE you excited about the Presidents Cup? No? Well this advertisement by the PGA Tour might do the trick — it certainly has the participants excited.
GQ Magazine has revealed that Leonardo DiCaprio’s lady love, Kelly Rohrbach, isn’t just a swimsuit model. She’s a golf natural, too.
ANTHONY Mundine has listed four demands before he’ll agree to fight Danny Green again. One of them is an absolute doozy.
REALLY, really, ridiculously good looking, this teen is transitioning from child actor and model to one of the most brutal arenas in sport.
FALLEN UFC champion Jon Jones has avoided jail while being sentenced for fleeing the scene of a car crash involving a pregnant woman.
REALLY, really, ridiculously good looking, this teen is transitioning from child actor and model to one of the most brutal arenas in sport.
EBI Ere is over his slight left calf strain and keen to lead Adelaide 36ers in their season-opener on Wednesday against the reigning NBL champion NZ Breakers.
THREE-time Tour Down Under champion Simon Gerrans has confirmed he plans to return to Adelaide to race the event in January.
HE was one of Australian triathlon’s first world champions, first media stars and first Olympian.Mrs Trellis - Play Mornington Crescent and other silly Radio 4 Sorry I haven't a Clue Games and meet the famous Ivy Trellis
I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue quipped Mrs Trellis
Your definition please:
New definitions
Please tell us any new definitions you may have heard recently for common english words
WordDefinition
COME WHINE WITH MEWorking title of popular TV show where people make eat a
meal for together.
METADATAThanks for a great day out
YD9CQH77People nolralmy pay me for this and you are giving it away!
LINOLEUMLiam would rather stand up
LINORather stand up
WISDOMA clever contraceptive
TARANTULASEncouraging northern girls to play Millionaire
PICCALILLICollecting flowers for a funeral
KRAKATOABroke my foot playing football east of Jarva
GUACAMOLELike wackamole, but involves dressing up the rodent to feel years younger
ARSENICBrazilian accident
BRONTESAURUSPrehistoric literary sisters with heamarroids
TOMMAHAWKA vegetable of prey
RAQUONTORA tennis holiday
DUE DILIGENCEA group of Rabbi's in East Timor
DILIGENTA bloke form East Timor
METATAURSELS Got together at Russel Brands
WEEDJust been to the loo
PACMANBest thing to do before leaving on holiday
SOMERSAULTA condiment to be used only between June and September
TOUPéEMeans of buying something
TOKAMAKThat which comes after a tickamak
LED ZEPPELINAircraft design with the worst known size to weight ratio.
PECANSmall vegetable that just oozes self confidence
CAPTAINMetal box for putting hats in
MACADEMIAThe University of Macclesfield
INSTAGRAMFlash mob stripper
INTERSTELLARLikes Ms McCartney's fashion creations
CUSTOMIZEColoured contact lenses
QUAKERLYSmells of oats
NON-COMBATANTPerson who will be voted off Big Brother first
WARDINGGeordie's bicycle bell
POLYNOMIALResult of crossing a garden ornament with a parrot
CHAMELEONUndercover camel
VULCANOLOGISTtrekkie
BIG EARSPre-PC name of Noddy's best friend. Now renamed Acoustically Gifted
FOUR BY FOURSixteen
ZOMBATundead marsupial
AMAZEBALLSA labyrinth in your undies
CAMPER VANA less butch transit
CAMEL CASINGan armoured dromedary
PRIVILEGEWhere you place the loo roll in an outside lavvie
ETON1000lb
in Lancashire
PRIVILEGEWhere you place the loo roll in an outside lavvie
QUARKA quantum duck
TWITTERthe wife of a twit
FROGSPAWNFrench 'arty' films
COCK A LEEKIEsurprise?
INTERVIEWtourist
VLADIMIR PUTINModern cockney rhyming slang for 'put the boot in'
EXPATIrish emigrant
PISTACHIOA wonky moustache
PIE CHARTmy diet plan
EXHIBITEggs, but only just
SNOWMANa woman
NUBILEContents of today's Daily Mail newspaper
IDIOMThe state of being an idiot
RUETOIYRVery nice site!
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREAThe devil works in mysterious ways...
DOLPHINScandanavian blow up sex aid
WARTYGeordie's dinner
TURDGroup of Yorkshire cows
LURCHERThat dog's a bit tiddly
MASSA term for weight used by Roman Catholics
HADRON COLLIDERHardon Colander
NUNC DIMITUSA sexual practice of choirboys and priesta
PORNOGRAPHYA medium requiring the use of a Pornograph
IMPOTENCEA feeling of grandeur, as in self-importance
HYSTERICSA female medical procedure
SUGAR RAY ROBINSONA disease of the Pancreas
SUGAR DIABETES A Welsh Boxer
DAIHATSUA car made by Welshmen
SCROTUMA collection vessel for Satsumas
MIDDLESEXTransgender
NUNOccupaion?
PAEDOPHILEA dossier on Saint Peter
ETHICSDwelling place of an Essex native with a speech impediment
EJACULATETardiness of a Northerner
PHLEGMATICA nasty cough
MERCHANT BANKERRhyming Slang for Wanker
ASBOAnti Smoke Belching Officer
PCSOPhilippines Charity Sweepstakes Office
WARTYGeordies dinner
ALEHOUSESomewhere for owls to hang out.
SELFISHFishmonger.
TRUNCATEWell hungry elephant.
TAXMANYorkshire tree-feller.
PRISMLispy Mike Tyson's second home.
BRAZILIANPlacebo making Ian feel better.
KNOWLEDGEAbsence of a window sill.
IRONYContaining a lot of ferrous.
CUSTARDReally, really swearing long and loud.
ARRIVALSMr. Redknapp's unlikely promises.
PARALYMPICSSkydiving regiment's photo-album where only the legs or arms are in the frame.
NECESSARYScottish exclamation of surprise when noting the hirsute nature of an oversized ancient aquatic reptile.
BUSHBABYAnyone born before 1990.
TESTICLEA very short cricket match.
INSERTA man walks into a bar...
IRATEFreedom fighters on a ceasefire.
HAIKUA group of pot-smokers waiting in line.
MASSACHUSETTSlots of false teeth
CASHEWA nut with a cold
PEANUTScongenital disorder
MANIC STREET PREACHERSThe Salvation Army on speed
COLDPLAYDogging in Aberdeen
LOGARITHMregular toilet habits
HOME COOKINGWhere many a man thinks his wife is
IRRELEVANCEEvent being considered for the 2012 Pensioners olympics. The aim is to construct the longest pointless sentance e.g. I saw Nora the other day and she told me that her daugther in law has a yellow dress...or was it green..anyway the bus driver gave her her change.........
Contestants who impart any useful information or make any logical point are disqualified.
CATASTROPHIEFeline bum of the year award
ZOMBIEundead insect
FROGMARCHFrench demo
CHEST FREEZERUpper garment sported by Geordie women on a night out in January
JAMAICANo, she went of her own accord
PORTABLETo have the ability of drinking vast amounts of fortified wine
COUNTRYSIDETo kill Piers Morgan
DISSIDENTTo slag off Arthur Dent in Hitch Hickers Guide to the Galaxy
PLATYPUSTo give a cat dreadlocks
CROSSCOUNTRYThe Vatican
QUISLINGAlan Davies
TITTILATEJordan hasn't turned up yet
PISTACHIOthe opposite of a sober achio
THESAURUSdinosaur with a huge vocabulary
BIASEDhaving two bums
SEXa fun experience
FRIENDSHIPmorphological elements
EVERESTPosh forty winks, anyone?
CUL-DE-SACPoncy and overpriced bag of nutty slack
HURRICANEFast-growing crop for a sugar rush
EMAILINGEms that have fallen behind the pack
UNDERNEATHWelsh coal
PASTORFathercare shop
BIBLEWhat you do at the cattle market
ACOLYTEJazz clarinet for beginners
EPISTLEonline weapon
PARABLEBovine special forces
POLYATOMICcross between a nuclear parrot and an Irishman
ECONOMICa rare phenomenon that occurs when the noise made by an Irishman does not rebound.
COMICan Irishmans
PANDEMICcross between a panda and an Irishman
BUGGERa spy
DUMPER TRUCKthe painful events that take place eight hours after eating a truck
POKEMONJamaican Proctologist
BARBEQUEHairdresser's snooker implement
COCKFOSTERSCastlemaine XXXX
DAIALYSISThe study of Welshmen.
ENGLISHMANSomeone so insecure in themselves that they have to constantly belittle the people of their two closest neighbours.
GASTROENTERITUSTo walk into a restuarant
then promise to keep in touch.
ACCESSA Female Acc
URDUJobs for Women
MOUTARDA cow with learning difficulties
LEOTARDA large cat with learning difficulties
PURRSONMale kitten
A WELSHMANA person with an unnatural fondness of sheep...
A FRENCHMANA person in dire need of some anti-perspirant
COCKFOSTERSUrine with beer-like qualities.
SWANNABEUgly Duckling
4 WOMEN TO EVERY MANRejected tag line for Saga Holidays commercial
PROVERBSGrammer enthusiast
ROCKET SCIENCEMarginally simpler than the French election system
VANISHa bit like a van
CRUFTSAnnual event where thousands of doggie entrants are whittled down to the one who looks most like a feather duster
DYSONResult of crossing a Welshman with a Hoover
ENVIRONMENT CONFERENCELarge meeting in far off place that
delegates and government hangers on fly to
WARRANTAny speech by George Galloway
DIAL-A-LAMATelephone helpline for Dyslexic Bhuddists
DIAL A PIAZZAItalian mobile street landscaping service
TONKATo fart in Yorkshire
DIAL A PIZZAFrench take away based in Cardiff
REMOTERedoing the pond
bit around your castle.
TRIFLEYorkshireman's gun.
DAIALYSISA Welshman with kidney trouble
DAIGESTA Welsh Legionnaire
MASCARPONEOur donkey has been blindfolded
DEFAULTde person who is in de wrong
DAICOTOMYa welshman who is in two minds about something
DAIVERSIONThe welsh edition
DIS-ASSOCIATIONA club or society which a west Indian is no-longer a member of
SHAMBOLICFalse male genitalia
TOYOTAModel of a real Ota
UNCTIONMissing a junction
JUNCTIONRefusal to go to a car boot sale
LOCUSTThought to be the fastest devourer or food until a recent experiment using 6 teenagers and a fridge.....
MERKINOcean dwelling mammals of French origin
LUCOZADEPsychiatric help for the only gay in the village.
BENENDENMr. Fogle's departure from Castaway
HAND JOBLight manual labour
BLOW JOBWorking the bellows for a blacksmith
PLATITUDEMasticated semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal
GARDENINGStation in the French town of Ning
PRESIDENTGift damaged in transit
PANTYHOSEMen in tights
DISEMBOWELEDFish out of water
REDOLENTFasting again
LIBELBrummie name tag
MOUSTACHEIn a hurry
FEATHERCatholic priest
DESCENTReturned mail
MUFTIA fishy infusion
DISCONNECTTo rapidly finish a drink in order to dance
VALIDITYPolish a simple tune
PREAMBLEPreparation for a stroll
BOATERNasally congested engine
SAVIOURDonkey's benevolent fund
NOOKIEHaving many alcoves
FANTASIAYorkshire dweller who's fond of the far east
LUNATICA loft extension in a mental hospital
CONVEXTo annoy a criminal
CONCAVECriminal Hideaway
PALINDROMECamel with two heads and no bum
LAMBASTOffspring of a Welsh farmer
DECADENTThe tenth time you crash the car
DIURNALA very rich welshman
LAMPPOSTFresh meat delivered to your door (more likely mutton with today's deliveries).
RECYCLINGGoing somewhere on a bike for the second time
RUSSIAN ROULETTEGame played with a pistol - or -
polonium 210 and three aeroplanes
SEMICONDUCTORThe new breed of bus drivers that have to take the money too.
PEKING DUCKBird that cheats at hide and seek
CHARMINGwhat happens when a chinese emperor is cremated
ASTEROIDlaxative
CARGOWhen the traffic lights turn green.
MANGOWhen the man turns green at the pedestrian crossing.
BOOGIEBrummie snot
VIRGIN RAILCockney rhyming slang for ...snail
WARMINGGeordie's family heirloom
WARWICKGeordie's candle
DYNO RODPoorly equipped Welsh angler
GHalf of a pantomime horse
HUMPHFREYA treasonable act of chairman replacement
OYSTERChefs instruction to stop the sauce burning.
LUREXExhibitionist's condom
POMPOMFluffy tampon
PLUTOFormer "Cartoon Dog" who was recently demoted to "Animated Character" in light of the numerous dogs with larger screen roles
RINGTONEHow to contact the PM
GENETIC ENGINEERINGScience whose aim is mistakenly believed to be the improvement of the human gene pool - in fact the real aim of these scientists is to genetically engineer a willie with intergal buttons that can be used as a TV remote
Dustin true.like.foot.play.
INCARNATIONA certain group of people getting into a car
KRAKATOATo stub your foot
GROUTA dog telling you that it's owner isn't in.
BAMBOOHappyslapping for todlers
GASTRICThe act of lighting a ciggy near a boiler with a faulty pilot light.
GASKETCollection of items in a handy bag for a workman with Corgi resgitration.
BASKETCollection of items in a handy bag for a sun worshipper.
MARKETCollection of items in a handy bag for a new mum.
SELLOTAPERecorded phone call which starts "Congratulations you have won..."
ABOMINABLEPlastic explosive inserted into a male creature of the bovine genus.
TESTICULATEWaving your arms about and talking b*ll&*ks
ZOMBLEUndead womble
FJIORDNorwegian Car
GASTARD.Useful term meaning someone of illegitamate birth. As opposed to someone who cuts you up on ther motorway.
SEMI COLONHas a colostomy bag
COMMALenin's mum
TRANSPARENTThe Mother or Father of a cross dresser.
BUDAPESTHow they handle a heckler at a Jamaican concert
FLY PASTThe one you managed to swat....
NEW DEFINITIONSLatest addition to my - "Things not to do when I'm drunk" list ( judging by my spelling on the last entry...)
PARENTS BINGOGreat game to while away those parenting tears
- just beofre the birth of your first child create two lists of the things your parents said but you definately won't .e.g You treat this place like a hotel , don't come running to me with two broken legs, That's my electric bill you're running up
etc . Now while away the next 18 wears happily ticking them off your list First one to to get 'house' wins a pair of senisble shoes
ACROBATImplement for hitting birds
WOMBATSomething used to play Wom with
FLOWEROne who flows.
DINGBATDoor bell whose ring is oddly outside of the range of human hearing (...often apparantly used by plumbers and meter readers)
IGNORANTNot acknowledging the presenc of an Insect
DOGMATICPulled by Huskies
SAUCYDid a double take
RINGLETrent boy
DIVINEWhere de grapes come from
GASTRONOMEShort chef
GESTICULATIONInternationally recognised sign language for "You are a tosser"
WHIPPERSNAPPERDominatrix with pmt
CLAPTRAPbrothel
HIERACHYWhat Saddam Hussein used to be
SHITan abreviated vergian of shut it!
CONDOMto trick somebody called Domonic
BITCHa female dog
COMPLEXCondom that's difficult to put on
HUNTINGDONThe search for a missing Mafia boss
DUREXCondom used for one last fling with your former spouse
MATRIXStunts performed between April & June
SYMPHONYCloned Mobile SIM Card
COPULATEA policeman who misses an appointment
BIN LADENA refuse receptacle which has met, or exceeded its design capacity
PETTYLike a pet
WILLY WARMERSomething to warm your willie on a cold night. lol
MACKEMSa bunch of gay boys
SINGAPOREUnemployed Vocalist
TWO SHAGSMr Prescott's new nickname
MARTYRDOMSpeciality Condom for Massochists
TANZANITECockney rhyming slang for a load of....rubbish
EURO DISNEYGeordie euro-sceptic
DISASTERremoved her bum
DIVINEWhere de grapes come from
DINOMITEthe dinosaur might
DUBLINERVoice over artist
CONSTABLEthat unpleasant person is now in a state of equilibrium
ANITA HARRISAn operation for piles
BISONPosh sink
DIVINEWhere de grapes come from
SHAMPOOArtificial shit
DIVINEWhere de grapes come from
CONSTABLEthat unpleasant person is now in a state of equilibrium
AN OEDOPUS COMPLEXweak bladder
CONSTABLEthat unpleasant person is now in a state of equilibrium
STIGMAthe mother of that rather scruffy boy who lives in the dump
DIVINEWhere de grapes come from
RECTIFICATIONArse repairs
MASCARPONECheesy Mafia gangster
DIVINEWhere de grapes come from
BIASEDHaving two bottoms
FOCUSWe are ready for sex
BLUNDERBUSA coach-load of bastards
NIGHAt this very moment in Ulster
DISCOMMODEto push a person off the toilet
SPECULATETardy optician
SHMEEKSound made by a Jewish mouse
CABBAGEThe length of time spent waiting for a taxi
ENCOUNTERThe one between m and o in a very large department store
MITIGATEThe door to your imaginary identity
PENULTIMATEThe world's finest Biro
RUBBERYDelicious Chinese meal
COUNTRY MEMBERDon't forget this unpleasant person!
NUISANCEA replacement for your old sance
PISTONtaken advantage of
CASCADEA charity dedicated to the preservation of real ale
EXPECTORANTA mad tirade which reults in the other person being sprayed with mucus
DEBUNKFall out of bed
PANTALOONMake an idiot breathless
DISARMAMENTMa Kalashnikov!
PARTICLEAmuse one's father
FUTILEAn almost derelict roof
FORNICATEA sort of beige Cathrine
GRAMMAPHONEMobile phone desinged for the pensioner's market. If features big writing, a handy clip for your
shopping list and a wide choice of ringtones including Jerusalem, Bolero, the National Anthem and Donald Where's your troosers.....and it comes complete with its own packaMac
JAMES T KIRKOne of Yorkshire's famous sons - others include Winnie T'Pooh and Rupert T'Bear
ORGAN GRINDERIndulges in one of the more extreme fetishes
WARSAWGeordie's holiday snaps
KNEE HIGHSCrap Geordie drugs
BUNGLERCake thief
PASTASuffering from very sticky turds
WEEVILSmall insect - distinguishable by its abilty to wobble but not fall down
POLITICIANA brilliant lier
APPEARANCEA Member of the Upper House is off on one.
WARTORNIt's Geordie's go..
TITILATEHungry baby
TECHNOLOGYComplicated stick
PROFESSIONALIn favour of fessionals
NEIGHBOURBoring Horse
LIABILITYA bullshit measure
LEADERSHIPThe boat in front
ENVIRONMENTALTo be jealous of a man called Ron who is a nutter
ENGINEERINGA tiny motor used to place spherical objects in ear lobes.
DETAILEDBoxer dog
ALTERNATIVEChanging indigenous peoples
FORMULAEBullshitting on a CV
CONSOLIDATEDA prisoner a Jewish man went out with.
MESSAGES The time it takes to create a mess
GRAMMATICAL Making a grandmother laugh
UNPREDICTABLE A
female it is impossible to have sex with first
ARTICLE icicle carved by leonardo da vinci
FEMINISTHalf a female priest
TOULOUSE LAUTRECA long walk to two french lavatories
UNDETERREDSkid Mark
WARMEDGeordie's holiday
TUBAMutton
CELLOItalian greeting
DOUBLE BASSA pair of fish
DAMPERCurse that noisy cat
DEFEATFound at the end of scousers legs
ANDROIDS..also suffers from piles
DELIBERATEDResult of getting nicked when on probation
WARWORNGeordie's laundry
TEAR-JERKERSad wanker
TAURINEEasily peeled bull
SUBSOILA dangerously wet fart
PARSNIPWhat your Dad has when he doesn't want any more kids
PALINDROMEMichael's favourite camel
DELUGEDDavid Jason in a skin tight, full length body condom
DELTOIDSCuriously strong Trotters
LOGARITHMLumberjack song
DELIVEREDOrgan removal after being mugged in Bogota.
DALEKChild abuse
DEFINITIONSScandinavian discriminition of the audibly challenged
BLING BLINGRingtone a made by a gold plated, chunky phone
MORNINGTONSide effect of a high fibre diet
CAMPING GASTo fart like a big girl's blouse...
LEMONADEPA to the late Hollywood actor
MARTYRDOMthe only prophylactic sanctioned by the Catholic church
PORTENTinferior camping gear
CUSTODYcurse that creep
CABBAGESHow long it takes for your taxi to show up
BUTTOCKSAmerican with a face like a cow's bum
MISAPPROPRIATEThe right unmarried woman for the circumstances
CUSTUMCurse that beer belly
HYPERDERMICVery intellectually challenged Irishman
MOSTERScary object
FLUFFA pice of dust that has merged to become one biblicaly big pice of "fluff"
SILLYWhen someone acts like a monkey on steroids
PARALLELOGRAMThe stripper at a mathematician's birthday party
BINGO..the wheelie bin is missing
BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPETContortionist's party trick
BLUNKETA form of blind mans bluff, where you try to find a tall-tail to pin the ass on
DINGBATBatman's doorbell
TANGENTDavid Dickenson
EEE ...IT'S A BIT WARM IN HERE GROMMET.Latest additon to the Oxford Dictionary of Famous last words
MANUFACTUREBreakaway group from Old Trafford.
PENGUINKnown criminal who Police want to question about the recent fire at Aardman Animations (May be disguised as a chicken)
HORS DE COMBATFrench mud wrestlers
WARHORSEGeordie's pony
TROLLEYHaving the personality of a troll
GOBBETSpit the alien
CONTRADICTIONAgainst lesbianism
LEMONADEMuch needed aid from the citizens of Lemonia
HEIRLOOMToupee making machine
DIVISIONThe inability to see breasts size C or smaller.
KILTMurrrder'd!
ROLLOCKSSwear in Chinese
MARTYRDOMWorn by man whose wife came off the pill ....after he refused to consider a vasectomy
TURPENTINEGeordie highwayman
BODKINAunt Flo
WELCOMEAppropriate response to "I can't hold it back any longer!"
MALCONTENThappy shopper
BENIGNwhat you are after you've been eight
HUE AND CRYAny Richard Curtis film
BUNKUMCutting it fine with the withdrawal method
RAMBLINGMedallion sheep
TURBANYorkshire city dweller
INNARDSBouncers at a night club entrance
SOMNAMBULISTSomeone who phones the emergency services in their sleep
SAMSONITEA Pair Of Scissors
SCUD U LIKEInternational Arms Dealer
WELSH COUNTDOWN20 consonants and one vowel please Carol
WISHY WASHYchinese laundry
PICTURESChildren's game for two - each player attempts to remove 'items' from the others nose
RUBBER PLANTLead singer of Chinese Led Zep Tribute band
AMBUSHThe nether regions of a sow
TECHNO BLURAdvertising driven belief that gadgets that
resemble TV sci fi equipment are better. Eg people who believe that mobile phones are safe providing that they are set to 'stun'
UNDERDOGfrom logging phrases
RUBBER PLANTThe act of placing a condom in a mates pocket with out them knowing.
STOOL PIGEONvictim of revenge
JARGONstolen beer
TRIPEA very red & soft
yorkshire tomato
TOMThe chant of a Yorkshire buddist.
TOASTThe yorkshire man that holds a party
TILEThe walkway of a
Yorkshire church.
PORCUPINEMuch missed pig
GRANNY BAITINGFamily game where younger relatives try to convince granny that she is losing her marbles to avoid watching Songs of Praise. Tactics include swapping first names, speaking only in French and incorporating a willy warmer into her knitting.
Winner gets control of the TV remote
SELF SATISFIEDHermaphrodite
TWIGLETYorkshire toupe rental company
WARRANTGoing on and on and on about the futility of armed combat.
RAYmy name
TESTICULATINGWaving your arms around whilst talking bollocks
COCKSUREMen's deodorant which comes with a 'tick' stencil - useful for perusading women that your willie is sponsored by Nike
UNIONHigher educated edible bulbous plant
OVER BITEA single chomp that consumes the entire meal, the plate and the cutlery
ARSENICAnnoying hedgehog
GRUESOMEGardening success
NARCOPHILIAThe tendency to fall asleep whilst shagging dead people
KINGDOM COMETo climax in a extra large condom
CLUB FOOTT cuboid. fifth metatarsal &
phalanges covered in a rich milk chocolate.
BABE MAGNETA new device for piglets made from polarised metal trotters
CHAVA short possessive sneeze
FREEDOMCondom obtained from the Family Planning Clinic
THE HOODIESUpdated and re-formatted remake of that 70's classic show
BIONICorganic hedgehog
CRESCENTA new perfume. Made from a salad food.
MORNINGTON907.18474 kilograms, before lunch.
SKI SUNDAYFirst day of the yoghurt diet
MUNDANEBoring foreigner
WATER OTTERkettle
PANCREASA cooking pot, filled with most of a scream, perhaps only a whimper?
SPLEENand not heard
LIVERAn undead consonant found between Q and S.
KIDNEYThe leg articulation of a goat
CELEBRITY ROAD KILLNew TV show - every week one lucky viewer gets to try to run over a D-list celebrity using only their initiative ....and a Challenger tank
AMALGAMATIONConvention of dentists
POW WOWTalking dog
PORCINEThe bankrupt relative of a rich tangent.
BOVINEClimbing plant that grows nursery rhyme shepherdesses.
CAMPThe Cam found between Cam O and Cam Q.
MAMMOGRAMSinging telegram,
performed by Al Jolson tribute artist
EDICTHad internet sex
RHUBARBFence to keep kangaroos out
INTERCHANGECoin collector
TRANSLATORA post operative sex change person
EXTERIORA dead, small breed of dog
BACTERIAThe back roon in a cafe
POWER SHOWERWhat you do after 6 pints of lager!
HONEY NUT CORN FLAKEA specialist Pre-op transexual chiropirdist treatment for hard skin on the foot.
TENALADYA drippy female opera singer
GINGERThe alcoholic beverage between the Whiskey jar and the Vodka jar
DUNERetirement home for reformed drug addict
WILLY-NILLYA man with out a penis
ARM BANDMilitary Music Ensemble
CONVERSATIONA talking police dog
EXPERTISEThe flirtatious woman that has those same sagging breasts
EXPERTBreasts of older women
PRIZE DRAWSthe undies that you'll defo pull in!-)
BRICK LAYINGRectangular building material fettish
SCENICA opportunist burglar
LENTILA jewish vegan
SHAMPOOWhen your shit just doesn't make the grade.
INTERSECTIONLike a surgical birth procedure, but were the edges of skin or tucked in to form a smaller post baby tum.
POPCORNWhat the fashionable folk get for wearing ill fitting but stylish shoes
HYDROLICAn ice lolly designed to quench your thirst
DURINGSpecialist condom,
mostly marketed at the gay community
EXAMPLEPost breast reduction op
JABto hit someone
LAMP LIGHTThe act of punching someone gentilly
WOOD LOUSECheating husband with a erection
BALLOONNutter that talks bollocks
DISMEMBERTo insult someone's manhood
TEE-PEEA very weak hot beverage
DOGMAA Canine's mother
MUCUSThe sound the cat makes when you tread on its tail
BASKETAlien in a fitted boned lingerie
LANCETAn alien with a spear
REMEMBERSewing a eunochs genitals back on
RELIEFWhat the trees do in the spring
RELAXA second go at curing that constipation
SPECTRUMLiquor filled reading glasses
DISCONSOLATEPlaying a record at midnight
ASPICThose Sharp
and shiney toilet paper sheets
EXTENSIONThe stress is gone.
REMOTETo renew the river outside your castle.
ARSENICHaving sat on a razor blade.
SILVER SUFERA granny at the launderete
DENTAL PLAQUEAn award for having decaying teeth
GANGRENEGeordie hair bleaching accident
FLABBERGASTWhat happens when you sit near a flatulent obese person..phew-eee!
PIN-TUCKcosmestic surgery for sagging knees
CURRENT BUNSPre-bottom lift Op
ORCHIDScouse sibling
CRAPPINGEnthusiastic Beijing audience
INCIDENTpranged spider
VISITINGOldest event in the Pensioners Olympics.
One contestant (playing 'at home') visits youger relatives accompanied by a second player known as the 'friend' (playing away).
The objective is to appear to 'not want to be any trouble' whilst maximising the actual inconvenience.
Points are awarded for heaviest suitcase, most subtly offensive gift (eg air freshener, or a jar of good quality coffee),
and for pleasantly critisizing the visitees taste in decor eg "what lovely curtains - we used to have some like that during the blitz". Bonus point are awarded for causing domestic rows and for forcing resident teenagers to introduce them to their 'interesting' friends.
FLIPPANTVariation on tiddleywinks - using small insects
THE OXFAM CUPAnnual event in the pensioners sporting calender.
Teams of two players play against the clock in an attempt to get charity shop customers to purchase specially planted,
patently useless, items eg a device that simultaniously turns margerine into 'cream' and gives you body builder's arm muscles, a knitting pattern for a 1960's Fair Isle tank top, and a BetaMax video tape....etc. The team consists of the 'Coaxer' who extoles their virtues of these pieces of junk and the 'shunter' who concentrates on preventing the shopper from being buying other,
items, using psychological warfare eg "It won't fit you dear - it's only a size 16" and "I can't sell you that - It doesn't have the correct ticket". Despite pitiful underfunding and lack of media coverage, the England team are the current cup holders.
Hopefully, when our current champions Mavis (93) and Agatha (91) retire we will have sufficient players in their eighties to take on their mantle
DOUGHNUTA Pre-0perative transexual Deer
FLAPJACKThe applicator part of a Tampon
COWARDA room in a Bovine Hospital
MINGERCollegue who is constantly whinging and fannying about
MENISCUSObject thrown by woman with PMT
FK FTo insult someone in phone text
ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!Still young enough to be the pope
PRIESTHOODVocation that requires you have a penis .... but interestingly also requires you to not use it.
DIVERTWelsh Green Party Candidate
WINDOW PANEThat animated paper clip.....
GEORGIAN WINDOWSEarly Microsoft product
FORTESQUEEntry line for an 80s disco
ASPENUsed by tabloid journalists... to write out of their arses
DIABLOUseless at oral sex
RAM RAIDINGFleecing male sheep
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUELikely outcome of french kissing a cat
TESTICULARBad tempered fridge
RUBBER DUCKSex toy for drakes
CARROTSUnlikely to pass its MOT
CHESTNUTSExtreme facelift
EPOCHSCaught from Internet Sex
VASELINERow of flower arrangements
CAUTERISEAttracted her attention
CORSICANConfident about his abilities
BROUHAHAAct of revenge involving a mug of tea - made using a teabag that has been deliberately wiped under the toilet rim
SILICONEAn Ice cream wafer that acts the fool
ATOMICAn irish male cat
ODEA Senior citizen from Nottingham
COSMICIrish lettuce appreciator
TOTTIEA yorkshireman's bed warming device
GROMMETAlien's dog
PLANETOrganised alien
MOTORBIKEMobile tart service
AROMATICElectric powered long bow with autoloader attachment. (Handy for regaining Calais)
TURNIPSWhat brummies have at the bottom of their trousers
TERSEDriven by Yorkshire funeral director
CORSAIRpubes
TRICKLEA very tiny trick
PUNGENTA man that thinks he's a comedian by twisting the meaning of words
SKID ROWA washing line full of stained undies
TABLEWhen a Yorkshireman can do something.
CODENottingham speak for influensa
TARSEWhat a yorkshireman sits on
TEASEA cornish hot beverage drink
DISTINTA smelly welshman
COPULATEThe police officer that arrives far too late at the scene of a crime
PANTALOONA breathless idiot
DUMPYEighth dwarf ... who left just before they became famous
FORK LIFT TRUCKOver eater's kitchen gadget
FULCRUMThe sheets after breakfast in bed.
CUCUMBERTraffic jam accross a river in Hull.
DOERdeer shagger
STAIN GLASS WINDOWSMonitor needs cleaning
FRENCH WINDOWSThe reason that PC was so cheap...
TRIDENTJoyrider's three point turn
UNDERLINGBeneath the fish
COSMOLOGYTheory that the universe is made of lettuce
OATMEALOral sex
HAMPTONA big pig
HAMLETrent-a-pig
HAMSTERCausing distress to pigs
STRUMPETHow to get music out of your cat
CALORIE FREEBelief that free food has no calorific value. Also known as Buffet Syndrome
OXYMORONA waste of oxygen
DYLAN THOMASSoporific Welsh Rabbit
HIJKLMNOWater
DESPISELiverpool branch of MI6
DEFLUXHard of hearing in Yorkshire
PISSIMISSEDAchieved wall splash on a toilet that was half empty
DOAP CAKECannabis for pensioners -served with a napkin and a nice cup of tea.
KINGDOMExtra large condom
BOTOXA face like a cows bum
PUDDINGResult of crossing a turd with a doorbell
GEGSScrambled eggs
BOBFOCbody off baywatchface off crimewatch
PUGLYacross between pig and ugly
EDIBLEInternet police officer (head hunted from Topcat's alley)
FOUNTOpposite to lost
DINTOpposite to did
SHUNTOpposite to should
CUNTOpposite to could
HULLOO BALLOOThe correct way to address a bear
HARDWARELeather Jacket and bullet belt
FRENCH HORNLate night Channel 4 movie
TINTOpposite of tis
PETROLWall paper for the animal companion enthusiast
DUREXA very long lasting pet dog
BABY SHOWERWhat you get if you don't change a baby boys nappy quick enough
BENZENE RINGGang of chemists
DINGOCar game played in the Australian outback. Contestants shout out eveytime they see something eg Dingo, Roo, tree,
Dingo, tree etc .The game ends after several hours when someone shouts House! - indicating that they have now reached their next door neighbour's residence
LIPOSUCTIONoral sex
STUCK ON YOUJust one of the many side effects of confusing a Pritt Stick with a lip gloss
GOTHIC GOTHIC GOTHICRousing chant of the Custard Makers Association
LAST POST FEMINISMGermaine Greer on Celebrity Big Brother
FLYERWhat you cook your spring rolls in
MARATHONA race for the mother of an egyptian God
EXTENSIVEThe object for fishing small particles of debris from a church font... but with a handle which can be made to be very long
PRINTERA alien that works as a journalist
PUNCTUREPiece of classical music written by an Anachists
MASSIVEThe object for fishing small particles of debris from a church font
TUNTRAThe noise which always follows lightening in Ireland
CHICKEN-TIKKAOnomatopoeic word referring to a single iteration of the noise a train makes.
ISLANDICA benefit dependant persons food Cupboard
DIABOLICALThe act of a welshman talking on the telephone to one of his own Testicles
DISCOA welsh supermarket
DISSEMBARKA group of Welsh men that remove the voices from dogs for a living
DISSOLVEA welsh crossword puzzle
DIRECTIONA welshman's excited Penis
MASTICKA special glue for attaching flags to Flag Poles
FLOSSA Welsh four legged Animal used for racing/hunting & carrying people on its back
FLOOZEYThe 'Flow back' feeling from having sex with a Welshman
SCRUMPINGSexual contact during a Rugby game.
BIGAMISTFat bird coming through the doors on 'Stars in their eyes'
DICTATORMale genital that's shaped like a root vegetable
TOON ARMYGroup of Geordies responsible for global warming and tidal waves
CRAMPONVery large tampon
PARAPHERNALIAGift that would be improved by dousing it in paraffin and setting light to it.Candidates include: Any clothing with reindeer on it, music compilations that "are not available in the shops" and anything kitsch that is part of a 'strictly limited edition'
DIB DIB DIBA trio of Welsh boy scouts
FORE FATHERSRapidly becoming the social norm
BLEMISHSpotty Belgian
NIPPONTampon with poorly designed applicator
EXHIBITIONISTFlasher in an art gallery
TELEPATHYWatching an entire episode of Eastenders because you can't be bothered to look for the remote control
GLOBALISATIONModern custom of naming children using an Atlas eg India, Georgia, Chad .... and the less popular Turkey, Bangkok and Milton Keynes
GUY GAN GUCH GUY GOWN GONTHLSI can touch my own tonsils
KHAKIWhat starts your Ford Mondeo
DIAPERWelsh impressionist
DIEWelsh drug dealer
WHIPPETKinky Alien now living in Yorshire
TROTWhat happend to Tcompost heap
TRAMPYorkshire disabled person's adaptation
TOGGLEThe act of looking at an atractive female in Yorkshire
LIPSTICKA Tampon
MARSThe thing at the bottom of Mback
HOT SEATThe toilet of a Curry house
WIND VANEThe act of boasting about your flatulence
SYCOPHANTPachyderm with a cold
MUFFLEDSporting a chastity belt
MULTIBIRD ROASTChrismas roast involving mulitple boned birds. A sparrow is stuffed into a starling, pushed in turn into a guinea fowl, which is then inserted into a pheasant. This continues with a duck , a turkey, goose, emporer penguin, emu, ostrich ... and finally Vanessa Phelps
DEFENDANTSChampion the cause of insects
GIRAFFEWine container with a long neck
SOFT SHOE SHUFFLEConga line at the old folks home
SANITARY TOWELNative Owl of Yorkshire,
noted for its clean nesting habits.
(also known as the Red-breasted Snowy Owl)
FLAMBEHazard of overrly vigorous Welsh lovemaking
CRAGGYAged star of Scooby Doo
LIEUFrench toilet
LIEUTENENTFrench public toilet attendant
COUPAn uprising of chickens
TWO IN THE BUSHManage a Trois
DIAMETERWelsh exaggerator
MONOPOLYParrot that doesn't sleep around
POLYGAMISTParrot who sometimes does it for a lark
CRAB STICKSouvenir from Bangkok
DILATEA welsh man that spent too long with his sheep
DIVULGEWelsh men's genitals
WIND VANEA flatulent make-up artist
ADDRESSYou girlfriends wardrobe
CABLEThe hairstyle of a welsh man's lover
SPROUTA naive boys group
SPEWThe exit line of a theme park ride
RADISHThe part of a salad that holds you spellbound
DIETAn alien that now lives in Wales
TRUMPETA flatulent alien
SPRING ROLLAnnual sex session by couples that stay together for more than 10 years
TARKA DAHLAn otter that writes story books for children
DRY ROASTED NUTSA sun bathers genitals
SALTED NUTSA runners genitals
TO KEEP ONE'S HAND INA practicing Gynecologist
BEGGAR YOUR NEIGHBOURShopping them to the DSS
POPSICLERuptured scrotum
DEFERBikini wax
STUFF THE TURKEYSee 'UNDERDOG'
BLUNKETCockney rhyming slang for "flunked it"
TRIANGLEAll managment theories are based on a triangle. To create a new managment theory yourself, draw a triangle on a piece of paper.
Next write a random word at each corner , eg cheese, wheelbarrow, chair.
Now write some twaddle to link these items.Eg "The wheelbarrow shows us carrying our daily workload. To help in this task we get nourshment or 'cheese' in the form of management.
But sometimes its important to take time out from this routine, sit on the chair and consider just how we could achieve our goals more effectvily...." etc .
Managment books usually devote one chapter of waffle per triangle.
THE EMPORER'S NEW CONSULTANTSConsultants who claim that an organisation can be transformed by using the Consultant's 'System'.
Only 'Key Personnel' will be able to see the benefits of the 'System'.
Non-team playing employees will just see the mangement being suckered out of wads of cash
ANALLY RETENTIVEStill married to that arsehole
MR AND MRSAnother favourite event in the pensioners olympics.
The game is played when younger relatives are trying to watch television.
Points are scored for distracting viewers by claiming non-existent relationships between the persons on screen eg "That's Barry Cryer - he was married to the Queen Mother".
Bonus points for getting someone to take look at their bunions/varicosde veins/urine sample.
The game ends when participating pensioners receive a nice cup of tea.
A BIRD IN THE BUSHThrush
PSEUDO-BUSYAny activity which prevents you from helping your spouse with the housework but which actually achieves nothing. Common pseudo-busy pastimes are are, trying to make a bath whirlpool spin the other way,
making sure that all the matches in the box point the same way and removing sheets of toilet roll untill both layers end at the same place.
TIME ON YOUR HANDSResult of a cosmology experiment going badly wrong
NUT ROASTStanding too close to the fire
STOCKBROKERSBookies - but with nicer furnature and worse odds
HUMAN CLONINGHuman cloning was performed extensively during the 1970s. Public reaction was tested by using the
clones as 'contestants' on the popular show Ask The Family.
Suprisingly the public never noticed the uncanny similarity of each family or that each family comprised of a chartered accountant, a housewife and two children called Gerald and Janet.
Under threat of exposure by a national newspaper the government swiftly shelved the programme and chief scientist Prof Robert Robinson took early retirement
H32Pencil grade favoured by IKEA
FENG SHUIDrunk glaswegian talking to his boot
TIME SHIFTThe difference between traditional Newtonian time which has fixed units of hours and minutes and Quatum time which can be indefinately compressed to fit between any two fixed points or 'milestones'. Quatum time is favoured by project managers.
Workers traditionally use Newtonian time. Hence
- Shift Happens.
CARETAlien transport
DUPLEXA pair of condoms
LOP EAREDVictim of a short sighted rabbi
MINT SAUCEWelsh aftershave
VINDICATORDrunk rabbi
ONE - NILL!!Orgasm cry of a Millwall supporter
ACCUMULATEMale sexual partner appreciated by women
CHEESE BALLSPersonal hygiene problem
FISHMONGERpimp
WOADdepressed frog
AMPHITHEATREPlace to take depressed frogs to
CORSETAn Alien that tells rude jokes
RENNETA cure for indigestion in Aliens
CORN MEALDining out at a comedy club
READY OATSA morning erection
ANNUS HORRIBILIS?Latin translation of - Does my bum look big in this?
LITTLE BOY BLUEFamous contortionist
HORNETAroused alien
SHOE HORNShoe fettishism
HARD FLOORINGA washable alterative to carpet that's a real bugger to install
TABLE LAYINGFurniture fetishism
A STATUEA telephone for the hard of hearing
SHEPHERDA Welsh pimp
PASTURISEThe act of watching Kelly Holmes in running a race
LAMPOONINGA welshman seducing a young sheep
SHEEPISHThe scent of a Welsh man after sex
DIE BACKA welsh man returning from his sheep
DIE DOWNA depressed Welshman
DIE CASTThe actors in a
welsh theater production
CELEBATEA joyous get to gether championing the times that sex is scarce
TINYWhat a American-Yorksire person calls their backside.
STICKSound that a sclock makes
CAUSTIClettuce bomb
CLIMBING ROPEFirmly attaches several climbers together - to stop the sensible ones escaping
TRICYCLEJake the Peg's bike
HOMOGENEOUSAn IQ of Stephen Fry
OSTRACIZEDWhen Bert and Ernie aren't speaking to Big Bird
I'M A CELEBRITY, GIVE ME WADS OF CASH FOR WHINGINGRejected title for popular TV series
DIESELWelsh Internet auction
TARTFound in galleries in Yorkshire
FUELSmelly petrol
DIETIONA welsh eye sight specialist
DIATRIBEA welsh family
MINCE MEATThe genitals of a gay man
DRAGEEAn female impersonator enthusiast
DRAGSTERAn infant female impersonator
ATOMICSmall particle that craps on your garden with mild indigestion
ICE AGEThe period of a relationship following 'the Passion' period
VENTRICULEThe external part of a fridge that houses the fan
MOLECULARMole's fridge
ATOMSmall particle that craps on your garden
LUKEWARMWhat Matthew, Mark & John asked Jesus when the pilot light blow out
LOLLYPOPA shop-a-holic
WOOD STACKERA prostitute
MORSE CODEA chill caught by detectives on servalance
HOB NOBCommon injury affecting tall men - caused by standing too close to the cooker
LIMBERSound of a wooden leg falling
ASPDonkey with a lisp
TRUMPFlatulent tart
ARCHIVEPlace to store old bees
ACCUMULATIONBadly stained area of a bedsheet
COCKATRICEpremature ejaculation
MOLECULEMole -
wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap
PALTRYsmall chicken
BEGOTTENOffspring whose conception you were too drunk to remember
MODICUMmoderate orgasm
SPOONSomeone that is stupid
DANDELIONStrutting big cat
SOYA MINCECamp vegetarian
BESTIALITYMuch nicer than worstiality
BEDRAGGLEDScruffy female impersonator
SPRUCELike a larch but smarter
CARPETTalk incessantly about aliens
THE COUNTDistinguished academic recently headhunted from Sesame Street to oversee the Florida Voting system
DRAGOON GUARDSA regiment of female impersonaters
COQUETTEflirty potato
MASTICATIONOral sex for one
PHILANDERERRandy stamp collector
TENDON SAWJogging injury
DIURNALFound in the Gents toilets in Wales
BONFIREOverdone cake
PUMPKINBorrow money from family
ASPRINSuprisingly - not a suppository
ANIMAL HUSBANDRYSee 'UNDERDOG'
ANGRIERGermaine's sister
MR WHIPPYSpeciality poo - achieved by moving the hips in a circular manner
MONTHLY PAYMENT PLANNew Blood Donor scheme
TARTRAZINEPlayboy, Penthouse etc..
CAREERSEars resembling wing mirrors
NUCLEAR FISSIONExtraction of huge amounts of energy from very small fish
SCOFFDeliberate cough - used to imply that the other party in a conversation is talking rubbish
VENACULARSexually transmitted disease that is caught from vampires
FIGHTER PLANEFeisty woodworking tool
DUCTILEColourful and waterproof wallcovering made from flattened ducks
LEGENDfoot
POINTED STICKSeemingly harmless item which,
in the wrong hands,
becomes a Wepaon of Mass Destruction
TONGUE TIEDOne of the more obscure forms of sexual bondage
HOOVERRATEDAssessment of something supposedly OK but which actually sucks.
Eg "that film is so hooverrated"
HOOVER HEIGHT Measurement of how much something sucks e.g. I give your software a hoover height of 9.8
EMPLOYEE EMPOWERMENTThe zenith of management delegation
- whereby workers shaft themselves
QUANTUM SOCKSPhysists now beleive that many socks form quantum pairs. If the location of one sock becomes known then the other sock immediately converts itself from matter into pure energy
DOG EAREDEmbarrasing facial disfigurement
FEMIDONMafia matriarch
LAWN TREATMENTSWeapons of Moss Destruction
HERBICIDEKilling off people who have annoying American names
PSEUDO-MASOCHISMFor people who just like to wear leather and chains
HUMPHREYGenetically modified camel
COLONIC IRRIGATIONExcessive punctuation:
MONOPEDEA centipede with 99 wooden legs
FAWNINGSee 'UNDERDOG'
SUBMISSIVEServile memorandum
DEMO MARCHINGNew event in the pensioners olympics.
Contestants get to simultaniously relive thier youth of the 1960's and bring London to a standstill.
Points are awarded for best placard and touching up police officers - actual arrest counts double.
MUFFLERFur-lined knickers
OKEY-DOKEYOkey-Cokey for Yes Men
FLOPA pair of flipflops - with the left one missing
BAMBOOZLEWhat you get if you cross
bamboo with a woozle
SHELLFISH BUSTARDSLatest movie from Disney in which a young prawn loses both parents in a fishing incident. Fortunately he is rescued and befriended by a flock of large vegetarian birds
WANTONThe sort of woman who hangs out in Chinese takeaways
THEN MAKE TIME!The innovative science of Management Consultancy spits in the eye of conventional physics
ABERRANTnaked insect
UNCONVENTIONAL3 nuns on a pub crawl
BARSTOOLIllegitimate item of furniture
ABDOMINABLESticky out belly button
STAGE FRIGHT...and year 6 recorder class will now play their own medley of SPICE Girls tunes.....
WINKINGBad habit.
Excessive winking can make you go blind
FREE WILLYLoose fitting Boxer shorts
BALL PARK FIGUREModern Managment Term: Closest English translation is "Pin the tail on the Donkey"
NEO-COSMOLOGYThe latest theory in which
the unverse is made from elastic bands and bits of string.
This has led some people to postualte that God lounged around for 6 days, put in an All-Nighter on Saturday evening and then spent Sunday recovering
CELIBATEYAny publicity stunt involing a mildly famous person claiming to be a virgin
LEAPFROGSee 'UNDERDOG'
ON TARGETAmerican military term which roughly translates to 'right continent'
DOSSIERHomeless document
SEXED UPIndefensible exaggeration(unless of course I had my fingers crossed behind my back at the time..)
STRUMPETSee 'UNDERDOG'
COME DANCINGLikely to get your barred from the disco
STUFF THE TURKEYSee 'UNDERDOG'
MAY 4THStar Wars day
MARS BARGood place to socialise with aliens
CONSERVATORYHesletineBerry jam
DAMNATION (3)Another event in the Pensioners Olympics and also known as "Excuse me young man". The aim is to waylay and prevent somone from doing their job. Points are awarded according to the duration of the delay and the job of the victim.
The current world record holder is Mrs Olga Bagg who distracted the entire Heathrow Air Traffic Control Team for 43 minutes and 15 seconds.
MALLEABLEAnything that can be hit with a mallet
DOGDyslexic deity
AUSTRALIAN RULESAntipodean organised orgy. The tradional teams are the Bruces versus the Shielas. In rural areas, however the Shielas may be replaced by the Flossies.
ERECTIONDemocracy arrives in China
MORNINGTON CRESCENTI'm sorry I haven't a clue
WINE RACK Justified torture for people who compare wine to hollyhocks, summer's days and beeswax
EUTHANASIST?Stop , stop --- I thought you said enthusiast!
FORNICATENic and Kate's christmas present
JUST A MINUTEGame of nerves for pensioners, played when a younger relative is taking them out in the car.
The aim is to shout "Just a minute ... I think I've forgotten something" as the driver starts to pull away.
Each successful delay scores 1 point. Additional points are awarded for reducing the driver to tears or road rage.
DAMNATION (2)Variation on Damnation that is played in Post Office queues between the hours of 12pm and 2pm. Popular strategies include filling out forms at the counter and requesting the last Christmas posting dates for random countries.
DAMNATIONTeam game played by pensioners. The game is to
played in busy shop entrances. Players use themselves, tartan shopping bags on wheels and small dogs to block the doorway.
Teams gain points for completely damming up the doorway before someone draws up enough courage to politely ask them to move.
CHICKEN LICKENSee 'UNDERDOG'
CALL MY BLUFFGame played by pensioners and their grandchildren. Pensioners tell long, boring made-up strories about 'the old days' The Grandchildren try to stop them by interupting with statments like "Why do you smell of wee granny?"
Last one to fall asleep wins.
3 WAY CONVERSIONGame played by pensioners whenever a sum of money is mentioned. The winner is the first one to convert this amount to a)old money, b)a multiple of a weeks wages in 1949 c)A list of items that could be bought with this amount in 'the old days'.
Extra points are awarded for blatant exaggeration
UNDERTAKINGGame played by pensioners at funerals. Points are awarded for being first to state the obvious e.g. "He didn't look well", "I guess he had to go sometime" Additional points can be gained by criticising the buffet or starting scandalous rumours about grieving relatives
RIGHT OF WAYQueueing manouvre adopted by pensioners,
in which Right of Way is determined by the Eldest First rule
THREE POINT TURNShopping manouvre adopted by pensioners, involving an emergency stop (with no signalling) followed by two arbitrary turns towards the shelves and immediately followed by a third turn towards the person whose trolley crashed into them.
TURKEY BASTINGSee 'UNDERDOG'
CUSTODYLockup for Hundreds and Thousands of people convicted of Trifling offences
TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN, SPORTSee 'UNDERDOG'
MOUNTAINEERINGEverest trinket
POP IDOLToo idle to get a real job
BIG BROTHERProfitable alternative to Care in the Community
RISIBLEAny substance that can be wrapped in Rizla paper and then smoked
DOGGY STYLEDog with chic
BARBEQUEQueue for the ladies loo ...after all those Barbicans
BARBICANWhat Barbie drinks when she's out with the girls
COCK-A-LEEKIESee 'UNDERDOG'
DORMATORYDyslexic camel
THE GEEKS... shall inherit the earth
JURASSIC PARK Driving manovre adopted by pensioners, involving parking a Robin Reliant at exactly 45 degrees to the parking space markings. Often this takes several attempts ...
YACHT?Henley Rhyming slang for.... What?
DISNEY DOGLazy Geordie dog.ie He disney do oot
5-A-SIDEOrganised orgy in which the offside rule is applied. Foreplay is allowed until the ref blows his whistle
WOOLLY JUMPERSee 'UNDERDOG' (Orig. Welsh farming term)
SHAMPOOPiece of plastic designed to resemble a dog turd
CATAMORANAnyone who believes that their cat talks to them.
CATALYSTFrisky, Tiddles, Snowdrop, Ginger, Tom, George......
THE HAMSTER AND SELLOTAPEGeneric term for modern pub names
HEAVY PETTINGArea with high population of cats and dogs
COMETAlien orgasm
AARDVARKDyslexic ardvark
ROGER RABBITsee 'UNDERDOG'
CROCHETINGThe art of knitting musical notes together
PONCHONatural fashion disaster which re-occurs evey 30 years
CATHOLIC69 with Cath
SHEEP DIPUnconventional and possibly illegal sexual practice. See also 'UNDERDOG'
BACON ROLLSee 'UNDERDOG'
T.W.A.TThe War Against Terrroism
MARSUPIALAlien with pockets
RAMSBOTTOMSee 'UNDERDOG'
GARDEN GATEWatergate for ex-Goodies
RUBBER BANDBoy/Girl band enjoying brief notoriety after being bounced off a TV talent show
DUCKINGSee 'UNDERDOG'
MOUSE TRAPInnocent looking web link that passes your computer details to the
Adware and Spyware guys
HORSE PLAYSee 'UNDERDOG'
BOUNCY CASTLENew toursim inititave for Windsor Castle
ANIMATESee 'UNDERDOG'
CASTIGATEWatergate for eunuchs
CIRCUMSTANCEAs in...What is your circumstance? Are you for circumcision or against it?
BEYONCEGreat singer
HELLOGreeting
COPULATIONNumber of Police Officers per head of population. An increase in copulation reduces the crime rate.
WOOA combination of animal
faeces and urine e.g. Watch out for that pile of cat woo on the kitchen floor
MOUSE DROPPINGSUnwanted web pages that litter your screen after you accidentally clicked a web banner
BRASIERREFrench cafe - with an uplifting and supportive atmoshere
FRIGIDAIREThe atmospere during a first date denoting that there will be no invite for coffee later
FUNDAMENTALISMThe science of having a good time
DICTIONA celibate woman
MILESLucky man
JUSTINUnlucky man
TINTINVery unlucky man
EVERGREENRelentlessly naive
TOWELOwl from yorkshire
CONDOMTo fleece a mistress
INJURYLate singer with the Blockheads
BUGS BUNNYSomething that annoys a rabbit
UNDERDOGInconventional and possibly illegal sexual position
TOILETRent-a-loo
GATESHEADVoted by computer users as the item they'd most like to see stuck on a pole
TRANSISTORClose relative of a cross-dresser
BUDDHISTLager worshipper
TRANSISTORClose relative of a cross-dresser
WHEELBARROWA plot to export Cumbria's only non-quaint town to Lancashire
TRANSISTORClose relative of a cross-dresser
RETARDA posh pensioner
RETARDAny English person
ASSfunny big tree
ARCHERYThe Art of Lying through your teeth!
MUSEUMPlace to display ancient cats.
DOGGER BANKHill used for 'Country Matters' in the mass mode.
ACCOMMODATIONGetting used to incontinence.
DIRECTORChurch-of-Wales clergyman
RESTAURANTHow to deal with your mother's tired sister
UNICORNSomeone with one bad foot
PAPER FEEDEating out.
BREEZE BLOCKWindbreak
BATHTUBClean up Nicholas Soames
LOUDSPEAKERPolitician
DIDOWelsh baker
CASSETTEMommas and Poppas singer after diet
CD PLAYERDown at heel gambler
FROGSPAWN Lowest ranking piece in the amphibian chess set
SHINGLEWhat is never ordered late Friday evening
SQUIGGLY FOGGY EDGESIt's got no definition!!
WD-40A well-lubricated tribute band.
FELINEHeavy petting phone sex.
URETHRAAddressing legendary soul queen.
YELLOW PAGESLittle male servants with jaundice.
BEERCANAnswer to question 'What can make you act like a pillock.'
SECONDHANDWhat you change to after 99.
LINOTYPEA truthful kind of person.
DIAMONDA worldly Welshman
ALBUMGangster fallen on hard times.
PRESCRIPTIONAn actors refusal of a role prior to even reading the part.
HIRSUTEA ladies work attire.
GERIATRICWhen someone scores three goals in the Hamburg Veterans League
CATASTROPHEThe prize awarded at the feline rear of the year competition.
STUPENDOUS A history of the americas by a man named Stewart.
HITTING ROCK BOTTOMperverse piscine fun
ROCK BOTTOMThe back end of a fish
WILYA clever dick
TRUMPETa ladylike breaking of wind
TEUTONICwhat you buy the german duo who have agreed to be designated drivers on a big night out.
ENEMAHostile mother
SPHINXAbbreviation of Sphincters
COUNTRYSIDEThe death of Jim Davidson
NECTAR Deposits found in smokers' throats
COLGATEScandal involving Colin Sell
TANGO Suntan removal cream
CLOTHES RAIL.Protesting garments.
UNDERLAYMissionary position.
LINOWouldn't dream of not telling the truth.
KITCHEN STOOLSorry, wrong room.
RADIATORGlad's husband.
PLANT POT.Ordered to grow Class C. substances.
DIARYWet Fart
GORDIAN KNOT3 well-known politicians. Untie that one if you can.
O.U.D.S.An Oxford thespian epidemic.
CARPETNodding Dog
BEDPOSTEarly delivery
WASHSTANDMorning ablutions for men.
BEDPOSTEarly delivery
KITCHEN SINKWashing-up bad-taste ceramics.
BOG SEAT Irish Constituency.
FRENCH WINDOWS Sexed- up software
CARPETNodding Dog
O.U.D.S.An Oxford thespian epidemic.
GORDIAN KNOT3 well-known politicians. Untie that one if you can.
DIARYWet Fart
EASY CHAIRWell-known ageing female singer known for multiple relationships.
CD PLAYERAny number of professional footballers inn sex scandals.
SHOEHORNGet rid of embarrassing erection.
BOOKENDSLast page
THESAURUSDefinitive lizard
RED DRAGONA communist transvestite
BEATNIKA call to arms against the BNP leader.
NARCOLEPSYA sleepy Irish informer.
BARMOUTHVocal censorship.
HAIKUGreeting a portuguese arsehole.
HAIKUElevated portuguese anus.
THESAURUSTop Dinosaur.
INVOICESinging well.
REMEMBERAttach severed limbs.
REMEMBERAbout private part
BONSAIA gallic sadness
LOCOMOTIVEA crazy reason for doing something.
TRAIN TIMESA myth or legend.
PWLLHELITow welsh apache.
NHS TRUSTAn oxymoron
CONTROLA legendary Scandinavian fraudster.
PARSNIPA vasectomy.
PARSNIPA father conducting a circumcision on son.
UNDERGROUNDThe only place to find Mornington Crescent
CATHETERA very selective cannibal
TREACLE GAMBITA zigzagging "cross" across two lines (in the Standard Rules 1897) or three lines (in all others excepting the Stark Rules Regional Slunt, where this case has not yet been set a precedent).
DIVERGESA welsh commie defector in the 1950's
DIODEIn praise of a welshman.
DILATETardy Welshman
DILUTEmedieval welsh string player
BIKEA lesbian in two minds
HORMONEAn unhappy hooker
POSTMARKLuke
POSTMISTRESSAfter the affair.
INVESTMENTSA priest ready for action
PAWNBROKERTrader in naughty material.
FRECKLEHostile french claque.
ALLIEDA mendacious gangster.
BATHINGA Lamb
LOATHINGA snake
FAREWELLA reasonable water supply.
FLAMBOYANTShowy young male insect.
FLAGRANTExtreme nationalism.
JUBILANTA happy insect.
EXPENSEFormer currency
AFFLUENTRich sewage.
STAKEHOLDERBuffy the Vampire-Slayer
DIVERSEA welsh bard
DYNASTY (AMERICAN)A not very pleasant Welshman.
SAG ALOOA pensioners' toilet for the sub-continent
DICHOTOMYA divided welsh family
DIRECTORYA welsh vicar's home
INHABITOne is prepared to enter a nunnery
DIOCESEA welsh irritation of the nasal passages
BROWNA colour defined by 5 chromatic tests of convergence
DIEHARDA welshman milking a cow
DIABOLICA welshman with only one testicle
DIAGNOSTICSTo be uncertain if one is welsh while living in Wales
DYINGWelshman at home
DICEA cold welshman
DIESLots of welshmen
DIEA welshman
DIETAn empty welsh larder
DIMENSIONA brief reference in the Mid Wales County Times
EXTRUDEA sharp exit through a window on the unexpected arrival of the boyfriend of a norwegian veterinarian
INTRUDEOn a promise with a norwegian veterinarian
WMDWe Made-up Dossiers (honest)
DIVERGESBoth sides of a welsh road
DINOSAURBlunt welsh DIY equipment
DILUTEThe contents of a bank vault in Cardiff
DIVERGEThe side of a welsh road
DIREA hesitation while speaking welsh
DIKEA support for sexed-up dossiers
DIAMETERA Welsh instrument to measure electric current
ARCHERWife of prisoner FF8282 denying handling of botox and arrows
TYMPANICA loss of nerves in the Wimbledon quarter finals
Mrs Ivy Trellis and in memory of the Chairman, all rights abandoned worldwide}