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Every child feels like they don&t fit in at some point. Even
adults feel that way occasionally: we all experience being &alone in a room
full of people.& With kids, the need to be part of a
survival. They want to fit in and be like everyone else because it gives them a
sense of safety and security. So when your child tells you they don&t fit in, they&re
also saying, &I don&t feel safe.& The anxiety comes from thoughts of, &I& I&m vulnerable.&
And sadly, other children tend to focus on kids who are different and can be very
Your child is going to make the problem huge, so you have to be the one to say, ?Yeah, that?s tough,? and then bring it down to its right size.
When your child is getting picked on for being
different, know that it&s excruciatingly painful for him or her. But you also
need to realize as a parent that you can& there&s nothing that you can
say or do that&s going to take that pain away&so stop looking for the magic
answer. Instead, start working with your child to give them the skills they need
to solve the problem they&re facing right now.
&But What If My Child
Really Doesn&t Fit in?& Kids with Learning
or Behavioral Disabilities
When your child doesn&t fit in with his peer group for some
emotional, behavioral or physical reason, I think you have to find an organized
way as a parent to work with them step by step, to show them how to manage
their daily lives.
One thing to consider is that many learning disabilities often
don&t manifest themselves until your child starts school, although the issues
have been there since birth. So when a child gets to kindergarten or first
grade, you might see that he has trouble reading, doing math or processing
social situations. In reality, that disability has been there all along&it&s
just surfacing in a different, more concrete way. By the time that child has
been diagnosed, he&s probably already developed a very cautious way of l he already feels different and is working hard to hide it. The learning
disability might not be discovered until years later, but it has always affected
that child.
Look at it this way: if you have a learning disability that
causes you to get letters or numbers backwards, what do you think it&s going to
do to your understanding of relationships, friendships, trust or
responsibility? Do you think you&re
going to get all those things straight, and it&s just the numbers that are
backwards? This is a much more complex
problem than people think.
So if you tell a child with special needs who feels like he
doesn&t fit in, &C&mon, you&re just like the other kids. Don&t let it bother
you,& that&s not really a helpful answer. Instead, it's a message to your child that they have control over whether or not
they have a disability, or the power to decide how it affects them. He&s
going to walk away feeling like there&s something wrong with him, and he&s
going to say to himself, &Nobody understands me, I really am different.& While kids
may often learn how to manage the effects their learning disabilities have upon
them, it usually takes a lot of work and effort on everybody's part&parents,
teachers and the kids themselves&to make that happen.
Personally, I felt different as kid. I was adopted,
I had learning and behavioral disabilities, I felt like I didn&t fit in, and kids
teased me. But I learned over time how to be comfortable inside my own skin. It
was more difficult back then because parents did not have the skills and
education they have today. They didn&t understand the importance of teaching
kids how to solve problems and they didn't know how to coach their kids to build on their skill base. Simply put, in those days, parents didn't have the resources to teach their children not be victims, regardless
of their vulnerabilities.
Your Job When Your Child
is Feeling Different: Use the Teaching, Coaching and Limit-Setting Roles
So what is your role as a parent in this situation? One
job is to balance reassurance with coaching. When talking to your child, remind
them that a lot of other kids have gone through the same thing and made it through
okay. Give them some perspective on the issue, the knowledge that this is not
the end of the world. Also, in your own mind, don&t let it be the end of the world.
This is the time to be a coach and teacher to your child. Coaches reinforce and remind kids of skills
that have already been aquired. Teachers
kids identify and develop the
skills they need to solve an individual problem. I think being a teacher is one
of the most precious things we are to kids. It&s a powerful thing to be able to
help your child identify and solve his or her problems, because you&re giving
them a tool that will aid them the rest of their lives.
You also need to continue setting limits even if your
child is feeling bad or down. Let them know you still expect them to carry out their responsiblities and complete their tasks. If they&re upset
after school, just say, &Well, take a few minutes and then let&s get started
with homework.& They can feel bad for a certain amount of time, but then they
have to start their homework or clean their room. The key is, don&t let them be
crippled by feeling bad, and don&t treat them like they&re a cripple.
Another valuable lesson is to function appropriately
no matter how you feel. Yes, it&s important to feel the feelings, but it&s also
important to do something positive about them. Here&s the truth: we all have to
do what we have to do no matter how we feel.
The limit-setting function of a parent is very
important during these times. You can be loving and concerned, but it&s up to
you to keep this problem in perspective. Your child is going to make the
problem huge, so you have to be the one to say, &Yeah, that&s tough,& and then
bring it down to its right size. And its right size is, &It really hurts when
this happens, but it happens. And even when we&re feeling this way, we still have to do our homework. We still have to talk nicely to our little brother. We
still have to clean our room, we still have to eat dinner.& That way,
your child is still being responsible and still keeping up with the tasks in
his or her life.
7 Tips to Help Your
1. Try Not to Overreact When Your Child
Comes to You
When your child goes to school
and gets picked on, you feel powerless as a parent. It frightens you, it makes
you angry, but really, it&s a sense of powerlessness that you&re experiencing.
You do everything you can to protect yourself in life, but when your child goes
to school and gets hurt, you&re vulnerable too. The feeling of powerlessness is
a personal feeling and it&s a devastating one. Many parents lose their
objectivity when their child tells them they&re being excluded, picked on or
bullied. The technique for the parent here is to go take five minutes and calm
down, talk it through with others if you can, work it out, but don&t overreact in front of your child.
Don&t get me wrong, it&s very
normal for parents to feel powerless and it&s very difficult for them not to overreact to that feeling. But understand this: when you feel powerless, your
first response is not always the best response. In fact, there are generally
two kinds of reactions when people feel powerless: one is stick their head in
the sand, and the other is to strike out. Know that neither one is helpful to a
Let Your Child Talk about it and Give Reassurance
When their child tries to talk to
them about not fitting in or being picked on, parents may unconsciously become less warm or receptive. Or they
may give other signals, verbal or non-verbal, that say they&re uncomfortable
talking about it. They may try to minimize the problem, and make it seem like
it&s &not that big of a deal.&
But the danger here is that your
child gets the message, &They don&t want to talk about it anymore.& Try to
remain open to hearing what they have to say, and be calm and soothing in your
response. Let your child talk it out&don&t try to make the problem seem like
it&s not important, because in the child&s life, it&s huge. Yes, all kids go
through this. But maybe all kids don&t go through what your kid is going through.
Remember that when a child tells
you something, that&s his way of asking for help. So parents really have to
work on being comforting and accepting. They have to give their child the tools
he needs to learn social skills, to learn how to read social situations. You
can start by saying, &What you&re going through happens to kids sometimes, and
I can get you some help with that.& Both are important for your child to know. Telling
them that many children have experienced this feeling or situation &right
sizes& the problem, and letting them know that you can help them offers them
some tangible hope. Help may come in the form of books or online resources like . It may come from
the school, as a result of your discussions with teachers or administrators, or
from counseling or workbooks your child can do. Regardless, let your child know
that help is out there, and that they don&t have to go it alone.
If you freak out and start to
panic about your child not fitting in, he&s going to think you think he&s a freak, too. So, it&s very important when kids share
their feelings of being different for you to remain calm. Often it&s very
comforting for kids to hear things like, &That happened to me when I was a kid,
and I know how much it hurts.& They feel comforted when you identify with their
problem and empathize with them. Another way of doing that is to say, &That
must feel awful for you.& That&s framing
it for them and empathizing with them at the same time.
Affirm What You&ve Heard
Affirm what&s going on in your
child&s life and acknowledge that it&s hard for them. You can say things like,
&It must be really tough to feel like you don&t fit in.& And then you can move
to the offer of help: &I&m going to get us some help with that. I bet you&re
not the only kid that doesn&t feel like he fits in. I bet there are books out
there and stuff we can find online that will help us.& You&re showing positive
regard to your child, being comforting and being helpful.
&Try to Find One Friend First.&
It&s a lot easier to start a relationship with one
person than trying to fit into the group. When you talk with your child, tell them
to deal with other kids one at a time. You can say, &How about if you start with
trying to find one friend first? Is there anyone at school who you might like
to hang out with?& Suggest people they might not have thought about before. &What
about the kid sitting next to you? Or the kid sitting on the other side of
you? Try talking to one of them, maybe
you&ll get a better response.& In addition, see if your child can find friends
outside of school, in other circles, or places where they might meet other kids
with the same interests. Your child can join things like the Boy Scouts or the
Girl Scouts, where the uniform basically levels the playing field: everybody in
the room has the same shirt on, so kids stand out less in that crowd.
Teach Them How to Read Social Situations
skill to . So if there&s a group of kids that doesn&t like your child or picks
on them, your child needs to learn how to stay away from them and find other
kids who they get along with:& maybe there are some shy kids they can befriend or other kids having a hard time. For some children, reading
social situations is more difficult than for others. But there are tools that
can help parents work with their kids that will teach them how to read
expressions and pick up on social cues.
The Power of Postive Self-talk
Positive self-talk
doesn&t mean that you&re saying, &I&m wonderful and everything&s all right,
lah, lah, lah.& That&s not positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is reasoning,
soothing self-talk that helps you stay calm and keep your perspective.
Kids get anxious when they&re
feeling left out or being picked on. Their adrenaline starts to pump, they
think less clearly, and they panic. Positive, soothing self-talk is meant to
bring them back down. In other words, it calms down their internal physical
system, and accordingly, their thoughts.
Here&s how it breaks down. First,
help your child identify what&s going on. Perhaps another kid at school is
picking on your daughter because she doesn&t like the way she dresses. You can
say, &It&s not your problem that Ashley doesn&t like your clothes. It&s her
problem. It makes you feel bad, but you&re okay. In fact, you&re great just the
way you are, and I love you.& Try that kind of soothing, calming talk as a
parent. And then suggest to your child, &How about saying that to yourself next
time it happens? Can you do that? &This is not my problem, it&s her problem.&& Or,
&I&m doing the best I can. If they don&t like me, there&s nothing I can do
about it. I&m not the only kid being teased around here.& You can also role play
that conversation with younger kids to help coach them through it.
Let Them Know It&s OK to Ask for Help
skill parents can teach kids is how to ask for help. Here&s a scenario: your child comes home upset because some kids
were laughing at him again in homeroom. So you say, &Well, maybe you could
ask your teacher to move you.& And if
the next day your child says, &I did ask her, and she wouldn&t.& Say, &All right then, you did exactly the
right thing. Now, let me talk to the
teacher, I&ll see if I can be helpful.& Remember,
one of the best things you can ever ask your child is, &What would be helpful for
you right now?& And then respect their
need for space. Above all, let them know that it&s always okay to ask for help.
If Your Child is Being
Bullied, Work with the School Aggressively
A word about bullying: if your , you need to be very proactive with teachers and the school. Have the
school explain what they will do to protect your child from being a target of
bullying. Physical and emotional safety is the school&s responsibility while
that child is in their care. If your child is being excluded, let the teacher
know you want them pulled into activities.
When parents came to my office with this problem,
I&d say, &If your child is being bullied, call the teacher first. If they don&t
cooperate with you, then call the principal. If they&re not responsive, call
the superintendent. And let the superintendent tell the principal there&s a
problem. Because once the principal hears it from the superintendent, he&s more
likely to take action to solve the problem in an appropriate way. The principal might feel vulnerable that he didn&t know about it, and
that will prompt him to further action.&
&Don&t Compare Your
Insides to Other People&s Outsides&
There&s a saying I really like: &Don&t compare your insides to other people&s
outsides.& One of the big, big mistakes
we make in assessing ourselves is that we constantly compare our insides to other
people&s outsides. Inside we may be feeling frantic, or worried, or any number of things. And on the outside, other people look like
they&ve got it all together. The end result is that when you compare your
insides to other people&s outsides, you come up short&and that&s especially true
if you&re a kid. Children and teens compare how they feel to the way other
people look all the time. So if your child is feeling anxious and afraid and
all the other kids look like they&re having a good time, your child is going to
feel out of place and different. And meanwhile, all those other kids feel
anxious and uptight, too, and when they look at your child, they think he looks like he&s okay. So the key is
to teach your child not to compare himself to others, but to really to do what he&s
comfortable with inside.
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with
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